


The Melon Experiment

by thinkpink20



Category: The Inbetweeners
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-24
Updated: 2012-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-31 16:25:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/346119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkpink20/pseuds/thinkpink20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inbetweeners insanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Melon Experiment

It's a Saturday; a blissful, peaceful, school-free Saturday, and Will finds himself awake far too early (before ten) because Simon appears to be sitting at the end of his bed.

"She said I kissed like a _washing machine."_ His voice has that whining, stunned tone to it. Like he can't quite believe this is his life.

"Bad luck, mate," Will says. Because he's heard this sort of thing on TV shows. It's what _mates_ say. "Plenty of other fish in the sea."

"Other fish?!" Simon exclaims, like Will has just suggested he go for Jay's dad instead. "Will, this is _Carli._ She's the love of my life, the girl I'm destined to lose it to. And she thinks I'm a bloody bad kisser!"

At this he appears to fall backwards onto the bed like some sort of 1940s film heroine. Will moves his legs quickly.

"I don't think being likened to white goods is all _that_ bad, Simon; they're needed, after all. How did she say it? Perhaps she means you're helpful around the home or - "

"Oh, God!" Simon wails. And now he's got his hands over his eyes. Will senses he's being ignored.

"Actually..." he says, a thought coming into his head. "No, maybe not, it's the sort of thing Jay would do, or possibly even Neil. Best to avoid _anything_ Jay or Neil would consider time well spent."

"What?" Simon asks, pausing just long enough to look up at Will, sitting over him on the bed. "What?"

"No, it's nothing," Will replies, shifting the covers to finally get out of bed. He's aware it's early and he hasn't cleaned his teeth yet. Ugh, morning breath.

"No seriously, what, Will? If it's gonna help me get Carli then I don't care what it is, I'll do it."

Will considers this. It's obvious from the colour of Simon's car that he's really not too bothered about personal dignity or looking cool but... well, does he really want to be the one who suggests this to the person who is - essentially - his best friend?

"Well, I sort of read this thing on a website..." He says, and Simon rolls his eyes.

"This coming from the person who _genuinely_ thinks the internet is for revising?"

"Fine then," Will replies, pulling on his pyjama bottoms and getting out of bed. "Maybe you should go to Jay for girl advice in the future." Then he stops, sarcastic. "Oh, hang on! You already did! And nearly ended up on a register, waving your condom-covered penis at a girl whose father later threatened to kill you!"

"Alright, fine!" Simon turns a faint tinge of pink at the memory. "I'm sorry, what's this website, then?"

Will purses his lips with irritation - he _has_ pulled Charlotte, after all (not for a bet) and yet still Simon doesn't respect him. Wonderful. And he suspects this story isn't going to help matters, either.

"It was some... problem page thing. A girl wrote in saying she didn't know how to kiss and the agony aunt suggested fruit."

"Agony aunt?" Simon laughs, sitting up simply to get a full chortle of laughter out of his diaphragm. "Bloody hell, what were you doing reading one of those things?! Are you taking website advice from your _mum?"_

"Fine!" Will shouts, and storms towards the bathroom before Simon catches his wrist.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry!" 

But Will can tell he's not - he's still smiling. It's the sort of smile that suggests this is going to get back to Jay and Neil. Promptly.

"Come on," Simon cajoles, letting go of his wrist. "I'm sorry, mate; I'm being a dick. So what was it, then? What did this," And he laughs when he repeats the words, "'Agony aunt' advise?"

It's considerably easier letting Simon make a fool out of himself when he's just been laughing at him, Will discovers.

\--------------------

"A melon?" Simon asks, sounding confused. But then he's always a bit confused, he just has that sort of air about him.

"That's what the website said," Will replies, carefully cutting a mouth-hole in the fruit. He thinks it's probably a bolt of divine intervention that arranged for his mum to be out at the tennis club this early on a Saturday morning.

"Yeah, but... a melon, mate? A you sure?"

"Would you rather do this with a banana?" Will asks, sounding a bit shrill. "Because I think you'd probably be better going to _Neil's dad_ for advice on that one."

"Alright, alright."

But Simon doesn't look alright. And why should he? He's about to get off with a melon.

"I _think_ that's finished," Will announces, standing back to admire his own handiwork. The cupid's bow on the top lip of the melon-mouth is a bit wonky but he's not being too harsh with himself; it is his first time, after all. "Actually, I think I'm a bit proud of that - maybe I should go into it, y'know, professionally."

"What, fruit carving?" Simon frowns.

They glance at each other for a second, possibly both aware quite how insane this is. "This never gets back to Neil or Jay," Will says, darkly.

_"Never,"_ Simon repeats, not missing a beat.

Will thinks that since being sent to that utterly shitty school with it's utterly shitty syllabus and questionable teachers, he's actually quite _enjoyed_ knowing Simon; he's funny, interesting and sometimes he's even quite normal. Their friendship has been a beacon on an otherwise shit-stained pants filled choppy sea, and he really quite likes him. _Honestly_ likes him, and respects him too.

Or at least he used to, before he agreed to snog a piece of fruit.

"So what, I just go for it?" Simon asks, picking the melon up from the table. He's gazing at it as though it's his intellectual nemesis.

"I think so," Will replies, sitting down next to him. "Don't hold her like a _rugby ball_ though, Si! She's your lover, your equal, your soulmate."

Simon wrenches his hands away from Will's grasp.

"It's a fucking _melon,_ Will - don't call it 'she'."

"Well you're the one about to _snog_ it," Will bats back, then shuts his mouth in quick surprise as Simon launches himself on the fruit.

It's a bit like that time Fat John threw up purple chunks in sociology after eating the canteen's entire stock of stale blackcurrant pie - vile and yet oddly difficult to look away from. Will gazes on slightly dazed as Simon actually _gets in_ to the melon, giving it the bloody time of it's life. There is the quick peak of an enthusiastic tongue against the hard outside shell of the melon before Will leans in a bit more, resting on the table.

"Right, now shut your mouth a bit mate, that's what's making it too wet."

"Mgghh?" Simon grunts, trying to talk with a mouth - literally - full of melon. Their eyes meet over the bulk of the livid green of the shell.

"Yeah, like that," Will nods, "And a bit more with your tongue, just along the lips and then - "

The squeak of a trainer on the kitchen lino causes them both to look up at the exact same moment and they both freeze. In the silence, a trickle of melon juice drips incriminatingly off Simon's chin.

Neil, Jay and Mrs McKenzie are at the door, watching them. For a second they're all too stunned to move and then - 

Jay raises his phone, presses 'capture' on the handset and the damning sound of a shutter echoes through the room.

"Morning, melon benders!" He grins.

His tone is _far_ too gleeful.


End file.
